Spider-man recruits the help of Anita Sarkeesian to stop Randy Pitchford and the Green Goblin from resurrecting Duke Nukem
Apparently this Fanfic a la carte tumblr creates short 1000 word stories based on user submissions. Someone seems to have requested a fanfic about me and while it’s certainly both surreal and bizarre (and written in the hyperviolent style typical of all Gearbox Software game narratives), I think I kinda like it.
“I don’t know about this,” Anita Sarkeesian said. She clung for dear life to Spider-man as he swing through the air. The people below seemed like ants, stopping to point at the masked man above them.
"You must understand, Anita." Spider-man said, "Duke Nukem may seem like an outdated and backwards franchise now, but they succeed in bringing it back from the dead, the games industry will NEVER recover!!!"
They swung past more buildings. Spider-man turned a corner and the Plano, Texas downtown gave way to the Gearbox Studios office, a dour gray building that radiated evil as only a decent studio riding the unexpected success of a single franchise could. There was the whir of jet engines, and Anita could hear the sound of sharp cackling.
“Spider-man!” Anita yelled, as the shadow of the glider fell on them.
“Spider-man, Anita! So good of you to join us,” Green Goblin said. He held up a pair of pumpkin bombs. “A treat from Mr. Pitchford.”
He threw the bombs, but both missed their mark, crashing into the building behind Spider-man and Anita and sending glass and rubble tumbling down into the streets below.
“Anita, you’re gonna have to take on Pitchford and Duke while I deal with Green Gruesome here.”
“I don’t think I can, Spider-man.” Anita said. They swung low to the entrance to Gearbox Studios.
“Don’t worry, Anita, I believe in you, and though it might not seem like it does, the internet believes in you too.”
“Thanks, Spider-man.” Anita said.
“No probs. Oh, and MJ told me to tell you she’s a huge fan.” he said, and web zipped away just as another pumpkin bomb exploded a few yards away.
The entrance to Gearbox Studios was a cathedral-like structure. Flying buttresses made of guns led up to carved busts of Gearbox’s past characters; mostly just the Borderlands characters and a random soldier from Brothers in Arms.
It was dark, but torches magically lit themselves once Anita had taken a few steps forward.
“Welcome, Anita. I’ve been expecting you. Not gonna lie, I thought Green Goblin was gonna be enough to take Spider-man out, what with you weighing him down.” said Randy PItchford, on his throne of gold Borderlands 2 guns. On his left stood the dessicated corpse of Duke Nukem, a dried out, mummified husk of a man being propped up by a pair of scantily clad, uncomfortable looking schoolgirls. The faint spark of undead life flickered in his dark eyes, weak, but definitely on the verge of full lich-dom, and a skeletal hand was trying to point at his balls.
On his right, chained to a desk and PC, was Anthony Burch. His throne was flanked by a pair of cosplayers in Psycho Bandit costumes.
“I’ll let that little insult slide, Pitchford. I’m here to stop you.”
“What, from reviving Duke? Please, he might seem a little under the weather now, but you have no idea what kind of power he still has. Alas, you won’t be around to see it. Guards, attack!” he said. The psycho bandits rushed Anita, but they both went down after a pair of shots rang out in the hall. Anita had her gun out, a gold-plated Borderlands pistol.
“Wha- But, how? How did you get that past the magical barriers?” said Pitchford.
Anita gave a nod of approval to Anthony, who shrugged when Pitchford looked at him with hurt in his eyes.
“Sorry, Randy.” Anthony said, and continued typing. Pitchford faced Anita, whose gun was now primed on his chest.
“Like you’ve got what it takes to shoot me.” he said.
She gave him a warning shot, just a few inches above his skull. He cowered down and started stammering.
“Wait, Anita, please, don’t kill me. You’re right, the systemic problems of sexist depictions of women in the games needs to be stopped, and Gearbox can join you. Duke Nukem was a mistake, I never should have tried bringing him back into this world. Run away, girls, be free.” he said, and the girls let Duke Nukem’s body fall, where it collapsed into a pile of dust. “I’m sorry, Anita. But, look, if you let me live, I can fix this. I can have Anthony write a bunch of awesome female characters, and our next game is going to have one of the best female leads ever. People still remember Karan S’jet, right? Homeworld?”
Anita nodded. Homeworld was an enjoyable series.
“ I mean, this whole Duke thing was just a huge misunderstanding. I’m sure we can convince a few other studios to do the same, get more women or at least more writers who are actually considerate of how women are depicted in gaming and we can really alter the status quo.” Pitchford said.
“Don’t worry, Randy. It takes a big person, man or woman, to admit they were wrong. And you’re right, you don’t deserve to die for that.”
“Oh, great, because for a second there I was really worried-”
She shot him once, twice, three times, the sound of the shots echoing in the grand hall of Gearbox Studios.
“Holy shit!” Anthony Burch said. He couldn’t stop typing.
“Anita…why, I said I wanted to change..” Randy said. He clutched at his open wounds. Blood was dripping in gouts from his gold gun throne.
“That’s for Aliens: Colonial Marines.” she said. Randy looked at her again, at first with anger, but then with a look of complete understanding, as though deep down he’d known that it was always going to end this way. He sighed one last time, and then died.
Anita turned to walk away, but paused and looked at the throne, at the power of Gearbox. She looked at the gun in her hand, the body of Randy Pitchford already returning to the daemonic warp. His blood was gone, and the throne was gleaming and clean. More psycho bandits had emerged from the shadows, looking for sign of their master.
Anita took a step up to the throne, then another, then sat down as the whole of Gearbox Studio had gathered before her. They waited for her command.
“Let’s make a game.” she said.
403 Notes/ Hide
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